“Just as compassion is the wish that all sentient beings be free of suffering, loving-kindness is the wish that all may enjoy happiness…once we have cultivated a profound understanding of suffering in our own personal experience, it is easier to shift the focus onto others and reflect…from there we can develop the wish that they be freed of all suffering…”-- Dalai Lama I’ve had the pleasure and luxury to have some extra time to read while being here. For those of you that know me, you know my love for reading. I recently finished “An Open Heart: Practicing Compassion in Everyday Life” by the Dalai Lama. I understand he’ll be in Madison next month and there is a huge part of me that wants to be home by the end of May so I may be able to see him. He had arranged to be in Kenya in January, however Kenyan President Kibaki would not allow him to enter the country. For those of you that may go to see “His Holiness” please keep me in your thoughts! This book has resonated with me so much the past few weeks. I want to use this blog entry to write about some of my personal feelings that I am currently having; feelings about my experiences in building this dorm in a different country, feelings I have about people and the Kenyan culture, and feelings about me as I try to make a place better than when I came in December. My hope is that my thoughts and feelings do not offend you or make you think poorly of me as I speak with honesty. I am happy to report that ground breaking happened on Monday, April 2nd! We had 4 construction men and the head board member (David) present for the first day of laborious work. Since the very beginning of this project (the planning all the way thru the first day of work), we have had to have daily communication about expectations, financing and scheduling. It has been exactly a week since we’ve begun and I am already (admittedly) a little tired. I have been in a constant struggle with my mind and my heart to keep compassion, loving-kindness and trust in people. Every brick, grain of sand, minute of labor and ounce of stone has been under negotiation of what it will cost. Deb and I are constantly reminding ourselves and all those involved that we only have so much money. If those that know the villagers and know what the expenses “should” be, they should be negotiating in OUR favor so that we aren’t being overcharged. On a similar note, I think about how “I” want to “be” with human beings so that I remain fair and equitable to people that are working so hard to complete this very difficult project. My heart hurts thinking about paying some of the men 150 shillings A DAY (approx $2.00) for hard, back breaking work. Could I pay more? This is considered really good money (and considerably more money than what a person would work for if they were hired by an African). I am sad that some of these men are doing the same work as others and making 400 shillings a day because they are the ones that did the negotiation with the wazungu (white people) and David. Should something be said? Where is MY place in this culture to make sure things are equitable? There is just so much I don’t know and possibly so much that I don’t understand to give rationale to these negotiations. My mind and heart worries about many things. The latest of my worries happened this morning where the workers said they should be getting tea 2 times a day. Who pays for this? They want Deb and I to pay. David tried to get us to agree to pay for them to have tea. However the money they make (yes the 150 shillings a day) is to include money for them to have food and tea. Leah has generously agreed to donate food for lunch so that they don’t leave the site each day. It would be so helpful if David or even Leah would help us out and tell us that we should subtract tea costs out of their wages since they are making “good money” (such a relative statement) already. Instead, we were put on the spot and asked to pay for this added expense (something that wasn’t put into our original budget). This is TEA we are talking about! Something I take for granted and drink every day. Could I not find my compassionate heart to spend money for tea for these men? But then I think, well, it’s not just tea for 4 men…it’s sugar, milk, water and tea leaves 2x a day, every day… and it won’t just be 4 men…more of the workers at the orphanage will want tea (tea is not given to any of the workers). Why have I not donated tea to Martin, Ken, Faith, James or Elizabeth all along and should I now if I give it to these 4 men? Where is the line drawn? And why do I feel that if I give them an inch, they’ll take me for the longest mile? There has been so many times in the past that I’ve felt people here have tried to stretch out as much as they can from me. My heart hurts to write this. Where is my compassion and my loving-kindness for human beings in a situation in which I would normally consider very mundane. I ask myself, when is it “OK” to say enough; that I’ve given all that I can give? Need I again say this is TEA! C’mon Renee! But this story can be applied to hundreds of situations that have occurred to me over the past few months. And this week has been no exception! And we aren’t just talking about tea…it’s how much a spade should cost, what time the workers should be at the job site, how much sand should cost, how much should be charged for delivering materials…all of this is negotiated with people. There must be trust so these negotiations happen fairly. But there are lines to be drawn between being a smart business person, being a kind person and being cautious so that I am not taken for granted because I’m seen as having (relatively speaking) more money in this culture. I hope that I am articulating this in a way that doesn’t make me sound cruel or unsympathetic. I am constantly asking for wisdom and knowledge with how to make decisions in this culture and with humans that are in less fortunate situations than I am. And I am constantly asking when is it OK to say “no” and when is enough, enough. And throughout I am asking for compassion and loving-kindness. Sometimes this is very hard for me. Sometimes my heart hurts because of how I think or how I act. Sometimes I see myself being mean. Sometimes I use historical situations that have caused me to be skeptical and applied them to a new situation in which skepticism was not needed. I try to use a “beginner’s mind” in situations, but when trust has been broken I have to ask for a lot of help to continue to approach each new person as a loving human being and to not generalize that all people in this culture are untrustworthy. I try to understand that each one of has the tendency to act and react because of our historical events and our present situations and circumstances. I am no different in this regard. I continue to try to accept that my skin color means money to many in this culture (and I say this because I have yet to meet an African who will tell me differently). This isn’t a judgment, it just is. Whatever their perception of me is for my culture doesn’t give me the right to cast judgment or act/react because of how I think they perceive me. I want to approach each situation in a new light…and for this I ask anyone that reads this for your support, your encouragement, your words of wisdom and your understanding of me and my thoughts, words and actions. I hope to continue to serve this world and human beings with love so that I may help to facilitate less suffering. And as the Dalai Lama so eloquently writes, “…compassion enables us to refrain from thinking in a self centered way…” This is something I continuously strive to attain while I’m here or anywhere I go, in whatever situation I come across in my lifetime. Thank you for listening and for your continued support. Love, Renee PS I’ve included pictures of the ground-breaking ceremony with the kids and of the first two days of work! There are also pictures of the kids with some of the new toys that you donated for them. They LOVE these little "make your own plastic balloons!" It was a Sunday afternoon of silliness and fun for them. THANK YOU!